6 ways to maintain a Long Term Relationship

Never once I said I was a relationship guru or a love master, but I guessed one of my accomplishments in life so far and still counting on was my relationship. I had never, once in my life, thought that I would be able to sustain a long term relationship because I'm a person that loves freedom so much and I hate being tied down to a commitment I know I can't make him happy. But I guessed it worked out, and I'm really happy and blessed!

1. The good times always outweigh the bad 

No matter how many times we quarrelled and how many times we were unsure of what's waiting for us in the future, there were many doubts, many unhappiness, jealousy and etc, but we always told each other the good times will definitely outweigh the bad. The ultimate reason that kept the relationship going is not only the love and trust between the both parties, but the constant motivation to move on and continue maintaining this relationship. If it was not for the "push", it will be a repetitive break up every single time we quarrel. It took me almost 5 years to learn my lesson that once it's broken, it would never be fixed. But I'm very thankful that he stood by me all the while.

I have this tendency to keep track of the good times in my diary with pictures, letters from both of us, screenshots and etc. During the rough times of my relationship, I would always take it all out to see, that's a reminder to myself "good times will always outweigh the bad". You may have your other ways of reminding yourself, but as long as it transmits the same message, it's good enough.

2. Don't raise your voice at your partner no matter how angry you are (unless he betrayed you, that's out of the question)

This is something that I learnt from my partner since the start of our relationship. In the past, whenever there seem to be a quarrel brewing, I was always the one that kick start the fire. And I'm utterly ashamed of that now because by solving the problem this way, there will never be a solution. I was reading this book from my mentor, and it was really meaningful, it not only applies to relationship but also the daily communication problems we encounter in our lives. "When you criticise someone, the reply will always be a justification for themselves." This is true, because it's only human. It's a form of defence mechanism build into our system. It's not wrong, because ultimately, we are only human, we want the best for ourselves and it's okay to feel that way. Hence, whenever we are on the verge of a quarrel, we always justify ourselves every time we are thrown a criticism.

"Let's realise that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let's realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; or, like the gentle Taft, will say," I don't see how I could have done any differently from what I have."- quoted from the book

But I'm not saying that we should hide our feelings, or be a hypocrite, but sometimes, it takes an extra mile to calm down and analyze the situation. Don't complain, criticise or even condemn if our own doorstep is unclean. In other words, if we are making the same mistakes our partners are making, don't criticise, because he or she will not be able to understand why you are doing the same thing but he can't. I learnt this, after a long long long time. It takes two hands to be understanding, and I'm glad my temper is getting better after so many years. Now, every time I see a problem brewing, I will tell him to give me 5 mins to cool down, cry it all out, analyze, stand in his point of view, before I release the feelings in my heart. It's hurtful to be impulsive, and it harms, it never benefits.

And yes, NEVER take your arguement and unhappiness to the next day.

3. Don't always expect him to be the one that takes the initiative & make the first move - especially when it comes to apology

Every single one of us is human, irregardless of gender. Both of us have pride and ego, and sometimes busy workload. Don't expect your partner to always be your superhero and does all the romantic things and when there's one day he or she is unable to do it, you can't accept it.

"Don't complain about the snow on your neighbour's roof when your own doorstep is unclean." - Confucius 

There's nothing to be ashamed about by making the first move to apologise if you know it's your fault, even if it's not and you hope to end the argument, I feel that it's ok to make the first move to let him or her know that you're brave enough to do so and that he or she deserves that attention. Make him or her feel the importance and by doing so, it also takes the relationship to a higher level.

"The deepest urge in human nature is the "desire to be important". - Dr Dewey 
In my sociology lessons during my tertiary days, I remembered learning the reasons why there were deviants in the society and why ordinary people turn to invalids. "People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention and get a feeling of importance."And what is the cause of insanity? There was never a definite answer. Studies have shown that besides the 50% caused by certain illnesses, the other half - have nothing to do with their brain cells. They are apparently as healthy as we are. So why this people go insane? I guess you people are intelligent enough to know the answer.

By taking the initiative to do something, it shows how important the person is, there are many other ways, and one of which is by complimenting. And yes, I compliment my partner every once in a while, like after his hair cut, and when he buys new shoes - always give sincere and honest appreciation for the things he or she had done for you, and yes, it definitely keeps the relationship going. Don't expect your partner to always be the one making the compliments, because the world is round, one day he gets tired, you will be tired too.

4. Give the man his space or you can learn to enjoy OR Accomodate and always come up with a win-win situation

Take for example, the world cup and lan-gaming. To many, it's a man thing. But I always remind myself that, there isn't a rule or it's never illegal for a girl to enjoy the same things. We may not be seeing this entertainment in the common point of view, but I can definitely enjoy it in the way I can. As long as - both of us can be doing it together. And that's an additional plus point because both of you get to spend that extra time together. And you may be accomodating him to watch world cup for this season, but he can be accompanying you to shop for hours the next afternoon. As long as both of you are spending the time together and there's no form of negligence, that should be the priority.

For me personally, I try almost everything my partner does, and some of it I enjoyed it alot but rather some of it, I don't. So for the things I don't, I usually voice it out in a nice way, and if he's the one for you, he would understand, and he would find time to accomodate the things you like. ESPECIALLY SHOPPING.

5. Be his/her advisor not the decision-maker

Never take his or her things into your own hands. Especially when it comes to decisions. You can always sound out that you're unhappy about it, and what you hope for but NEVER make the decisions for him/her. The reason for this is that this will definitely make the relationship climb a step higher. By being the advisor, you are reminding him how much you prioritise him in your life and that you love him, that's why you are giving a advise. If you don't love him, why even take the extra mile to think about his problems? At the same time, you are giving him your trust and your respect because he's able to make the decisions himself and he would be more than willing to tell you his problems in future, so both of you would be able to come up with a solution together. And that is when your relationship will go a mile further because of mutual respect and understanding.

6. Be mature enough to attain his love, trust and respect

Besides the little details of everyday life, is to have a faithful heart to keep that relationship going. It's ok to make new friends, it's ok to hang out, it's ok to club, but all in all, there must be a mutual understanding. If you know he worries for you, make little actions to show him that he can definitely trust you. I've been through it and it works.

For example, going out with a guy friend. Introduce your friend to him, let him know beforehand that you are meeting your friend, at the end of the day, you can tell him where you guys went to, and how you spent your day, and plan a date with your partner, by bringing him to the same places to try. These are some ways I used to gain the mutual trust. And I believe it works. At times if possible, I would let him come fetch me after my dates with my friends, show him the selfies we took and etc. Although it takes a lot to go the extra mile, but it's all worth it.

Lastly, I would like to thank my boyfee for being very efficient in all the things listed above & I'm very grateful for being able to lead a healthy relationship for so many years. Cheers to more years to come! :)


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